Monday, July 2, 2007

Walmart Ways and Target Tales

We'll start with Massage Monday:

Get two tennis balls and put them in a sock (not a handknit one, of course!). Tie the sock in a knot. You don't want to tie it too tight or so close to the balls that they can't move but you don't want them too far away from each other either. Now, lay on the floor with this new gadget under your head, at the base of your skull. (It should be east/west and your spine should be north/south.) The base of your spine is where a lot of headaches, neck and jaw pain stems from. Your skull and brain sit on a small bit of bone in the neck (think bowling ball balancing on a pencil eraser) and the only thing holding your head on is all the soft tissue (muscle, ligaments, etc.).

So lay on the gadget and s-l-o-w-l-y roll your head from left to right, up and down. You should be moving so slowly that if someone were watching, they'd be hard pressed to see movement. This is an amazing exercise. I feel like a new person after I do this. If the pressure is too much, start on the bed. The softness of the bed will let the gadget sink into the bed as much as into your muscle tissue. This is also another exercise that can be carried all the way down the back. You just want to make sure there's a ball on either side of your spine, never on it.

I'm sure everyone has seen this next bit somewhere online already. My friend emailed it to me and I laughed my ass off!

I think this has been around before but some of them are funny.

To all husbands: If you hate to shop with your wife here is one man's solution to the problem.

This is a letter from Walmart in Henderson, NV to a customer:
Mrs. Fenton, our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And, last, but not least! December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Here's some of my adventures working at Target this past weekend:

Woman is being obnoxious on cell phone while checking out. There's a few people behind her, waiting patiently while she leisurely gets things out of her cart, one. at. a. time. (other hand being occupied with said phone). I ring her through, she swipes her card. It's declined. I'm trying to discreetly tell her this and she disgustedly tells the person on her phone to "hold on, the clerk's interrupting us." Then she looks at me and snaps, "I'm on the phone." I stop being discreet and loudly (ok, LOUDLY) say, "You're credit card has been declined." She turns beet red, snaps her phone shut, and walks out of the store. Leaving all her stuff for us to put back.

Then there's the guy who buys two things. The woman behind him also has a couple of things. They both have carts. After he's rung up, he starts to walk away. I say, "Is this your cart, sir?", he looks at it and says, "Yes, but she can have it." I tell him she already has one and she points to her own cart, which she is standing behind. He says, "That's OK, she can have mine." and walks away. Not only leaving his cart in the aisle but also blocking her in the process. He has his son with him and is obviously setting a fine example for the child's future behavior. (I hate when people leave their carts for us to put back. So fuckin' lazy! They are going to pass the cart section on their way out of the store! There's no way around that! Especially when I'm working the express lanes, they are right next to the cart section!)

Oh, and I love the random coupons. We have to tell the guests that they've received a coupon and what the coupon is for. So Saturday night, right at closing, there's all the stragglers in line and the guy in the front of the line is this big, leather clad, furry biker man. His random coupon is for Kotex. He blushes like mad and asks, "What the hell am I gonna do with that?" I said, "Probably nothing, they're completely random coupons. It's nothing personal." He mutters, "Bitch" and walks away. I chirp, "Enjoy your coupon!"

Expecting to be fired soon, Ruth!


Yarnhog said...

Well, at least you get the entertainment for free.

I use a device called a "Ma Roller" in place of your tennis ball contraption. I would guess it is more intense than yours, since it's made of wood, but it feels great (once the screaming stops).

knitnzu said...

LOL!! I'd've said it in a sugary sing-songy voice. When I was a kid and worked the grocery register (back in the day when you had to punch in the numbers on a brass machine!), one of the frustrations was the little old ladies who came in with, say 3 items, and a fistful of coupons, none of which would be for any of the items. But Kotex and a nasty biker? I'd've told him to shove it where the sun don't shine.

sophanne said...

He wouldn't have said that if he knew that you were trained in "Epilady."

I can't wait to try the tennis balls. When I get a massage, there's that magic place at the base of my head that suddenly relieves all sinus pressure. This might be just the thing in between times.

I'm glad you're sharing Target stories- it does no good to keep that torture pent up.

The wisteria and butterflies arrived today. It's luscious. Thanks!

kmkat said...

What a post -- educational AND entertaining. I shall add tennis balls to my shopping list. The back of my neck is my most favoritest spot to be massaged; now I can do it myself.

Romi said...

OMG, I needed that laugh so much! That is totally hilarious!

Nell said...

Isn't it amazing what people's behaviors are when they think they are anonymous?

That Walmart thing is amazing, though.

Gingersnaps with Tea... said...

Don't you love retail? I had a guy buy over $4500 worth of furniture then yell at me like it was MY fault when his credit card got declined. My favorite though was my X managed a video store when we were first married. His most hated junior high math teacher came through the til with a really GROSS porno flick, X couldn't resist yelling "Hey Mr X Are you still teaching Grade 9 math at X Junior high? WHat you got there Tripple XXX Blah Blah?" The guy slunk off and my X was in a great mood for weeks!