Thursday, June 28, 2007

Self-Pity and Gratitude

Thanks to everyone for their birthday wishes to my brother. You guys are great!

Have you ever had a crappy day and your life may not be where you want it to be and your feeling all sorry for yourself and then you see something that makes you realize you're just a big, stupid baby and you've actually got it really good?

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Rachel was having a really shitty day, car was giving out (again), big fight with husband, car died and because of big fight she calls friend to help her instead. I showed up with caffeine and chocolate (I used to have a car that never worked and always chose the worst moments to break hard, so I knew how she was feeling) and it took a couple hours but we got her car where it needed to be (mechanic). On the way there, following her, we were at a stop sign and next to my van was a big truck. Driving the truck was a woman with a bald head and two shunts (one in her neck and one behind her ear). I thought, "This is a shitty day but DAMN this is a good day!" (By the way, Rachel was not being a big, stupid baby that day, I'm talking about me and my mood yesterday.)

So my mood yesterday. And lately. Poor pitiful me. blah,blah,blah. Then I read Cara's blog today and some links. Annie Modesitt's husband has been diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma . I'm a baby. Things here are just fine. She's come up with a beautiful pattern (does she have any other kind?) to raise money to help with expenses. Give and give big.


My husband worked on golf courses for 15 years. Since we married, he goes to the dermatologist every 6 months to get sketchy things burned off. I live in fear of the day when they find one that a little burn-off won't fix. His dermatologist told him he needed to change careers. That's what started our quest for a new location/job. (Not that FedEx driver has him in the sun any less!)


About ten years ago, I was really bummed with my life. I had no plan and had just moved to Tucson from Ft. Huachuca, so all my friends were an hour and a half away. I had a job that was fun, was too easy, made tons of cash (legally), and yet wasn't really something you told people you did when first meeting them (lots of misconceptions). (We'll talk about that job another day.) I hated Tucson, hated the area of town I'd moved to and was really depressed.


Then I read a book. The book was called "Children of the Flames". It's about the twins at Auschwitz and the experiments done on them by Josef Mengele. It's non-fiction, told by the actual survivors. I realized how easy I had things and I pulled my head out of my ass and started making a plan. I still have that book. Whenever I get like I've been feeling I go and look at it. Especially the part where two of the boys (brothers) finally make it home after Liberation and there's no home left. They were the only survivors in their entire city.


I'm grateful. I'm grateful for my family (my mom and my brother and my dad) and I'm even more grateful for my family...

Everything is A-ok.
Going to go pull my head out, Ruth!

8 comments:

Susan said...

I've been down lately, too. I'll pull your head if you pull mine. (That sounds sort of dirty, huh?) ;-)

uberstrickenfrau said...

Perspective is such a wonderful thing.

Yarnhog said...

I almost never feel sorry for myself--and not because I'm such a good person. I think about an old woman I saw on the street in Moscow, in the middle of winter, selling what little she had to try to make some money to buy food. Among the items for sale was one old shoe. Can you even imagine how low you would have to be in life to have nothing better to sell than one old shoe? That picture has never left my mind, not for one second in the twelve years since I saw it. It is impossible to feel bad about my life with that image in my head. I have a great husband, two wonderful kids, a comfortable home, a car, food to eat, and money in the bank. I don't have to worry about my kids starving to death or being killed by marauding rebel troops or being left orphaned by AIDS. I (and all of us) live better than 99% of the people in this world. I feel like I won the lottery of life.

Yarnhog said...

By the way--I've named you a "Rockin' Girl Blogger"! See my blog for your button.

knitnzu said...

Yeah, I have days like that. I think it's ok to feel crappy, might even help if you do have the crappy feelings to work through, but after a bit the perspective really helps. Even on the crappiest days, it's always good to find one thing, even a small thing, to be grateful for. We are so lucky, who among us lives anything but over the top compared to most of the world (I mean, if you're reading this you have a computer, you have free time, etc).

Quail Hill Knits said...

A wonderful, thought provoking blog. Thanks for sharing.

kmkat said...

Times like that suck. Another thing to be grateful for is having both the wherewithal and proper brain chemicals, i.e., not being clinically depressed, to pull yourself out of it. Good for you. We really are all lucky.

Chris said...

*hug*