Y is for Yammer

I thought I had all the letters planned out from R-Z.

Apparently, I forgot there's a letter between X and Z. Or else I planned something for Y and forgot what it was. Either way, the only Y word that keeps coming to mind is Yammer. Lucky you.

Completely Meaningless and Random Yammering....

A couple weeks ago, I came out of the kitchen at 8:30p and saw D2 still sitting on the couch next to Dave. I said, "Um D2, pretty sure I told you to go to bed." He sits up, looks me dead in the eye and says, "I'm watching TV..... Woman!"

Dave about fell off the couch laughing. I said, "Oooh, I will cut you little boy, you better get your butt upstairs!" but it wasn't very effective (and not at all serious) since I was also laughing pretty hard. What 6 year old talks like that?? He only said it as a joke and it was the pause that completely did me in!
"......Woman!"

Two days ago, I made an excellent sandwich. It was half a soft baguette of brown bread spread with cherry jam, then some thin deli ham, a slice of Swiss cheese then put in the oven to broil the cheese. Heaven!

Yesterday, I wanted to make another with the second half of the bread but I realized I was out of cherry jam. I almost panicked then realized I have literally 17 jars of jam in the pantry (I counted them). This sandwich is just as good with Peach jam!

I also discovered a lovely soup by accident. I put a bunch of leftovers together and decided to call it soup. Busch's Fiesta Black Bean Extravaganza + can of corn (the kind with very little water) + cut up cooked chicken = Hell Yeah!

Some strange mid-life crisis has caused me to go and buy a bunch of thong underwear. I had a brief thong phase in 1991 (when I was 21 and it made more sense). A girl I knew wore them and got me to try them. She said, "They are way sexier and normal underwear is usually up your butt anyway, right?" She's right! With these new ones I just bought, I switch them out with the bikini style I normally wear. Also, I found out the hard way that wearing a thong while working out on an elliptical machine can cause a near-fatal wedgie situation.

Speaking of working out, I forgot to tell y'all in my W post about the Singer. When I was working at that spa in Tucson, I would go to our little gym-for-hotel-guests after work and workout. That was one of the few perks of working there. The gym was located in our spa building and if no guest was waiting on you to finish, you could use it as much as you pleased! I'd go in there and workout on the recumbent bike for about 10-15 minutes each time I worked.

One day, I came into the gym and there was a woman in there, on the elliptical machine and she was singing at the top of her lungs! And, man, could she ever sing! She saw me and didn't stop, just kept on singing along with the radio. The recumbent bike was next to her machine so I had no choice but to be right next to her. The next song was one of my favorites and she saw me bobbin' my head along and said, "You should sing with me!" I was all, "Um, I don't sing well." She said, "It never matters, Little Sister, singin' is singin' and it always makes you feel good! Besides the breathing needed for singing helps you maintain better breathing while working out!" So that's how I ended up belting out Best of My Love with a complete stranger! She was a regular there and we'd always sing together - so bizarre!

I still sing while working out only, you know... not out loud. I mouth the words and breathe like I would if I was singing it loud. I save the loud singing for my car.

Movies I've Seen Recently:
Where the Wild Things Are - this movie sucked ass. We got it to watch with the boys and I was so excited about it because that's always been one of my very favorite books. The movie was horrible. It was depressing as hell, dark and really just disturbing. This movie tried it's absolute best to ruin the book for me. It failed.

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas - this movie was very excellent but also very difficult. It's about a little boy in a Nazi concentration camp. No. Scratch that. It's about a little boy who's dad gets a promotion and is now the Nazi in charge of a concentration camp. The family has to move out to the country, into a house near the camp. The family of the Nazi has no idea what's going on there. The mom knows the Jews are there but she doesn't know what exactly goes on until the Lt. Nazi accidentally tells her (about halfway through the movie). She has a big fight with her husband and starts drinking heavily. The little 8 year old boy knows nothing. He doesn't understand about the war and only knows he has moved somewhere where's there's no other children and he's lonely. He goes exploring and meets the camp-boy. They become friends.

I knew this movie was going to end badly for the camp-boy and that I would cry.

It ended so. Much. WORSE! During the last 5 minutes of the movie I had my fists at my temples and I was rocking back and forth saying, "nonononononono". That movie fucking destroyed me.

So. Yea. Now I want to read the book. (Apparently I enjoy being emotionally destroyed.) Seriously, though, there were so many nuances alluded to in the film that I've got to read this book.

Speaking of Books...

Shutter Island was finished last November (I need to change the sidebar thingy). It was EXCELLENT! I started Stephen King's Dark Tower 4 (Wizard and Glass) and it took me forever to get through it. No fault of the book, I just got into a rut reading-wise. It was a thoroughly enjoyable book!

I took a Dark Tower break (I'm reading through the whole series but I'm reading at least one book in between each of the series books) and read a book a friend gave to me about six years ago. It's called Chemical Pink and it's so very strange. I ate that thing up! It took me about two days to tear through it. I mean, it's only 270 pages but it was so bizarre and twisted I couldn't put it down. It's about a woman who wants to be a professional heavyweight bodybuilder and the man she meets who is very rich and very strange. He offers to put her up in a house, buy her a car, pay for all her training and all her drug training as well. In return, he expects... favors. His sexual tastes are.... strange. I think the least strange thing he did was to dress like a silkworm (in a tube made from silkworms) and writhe around on the floor while she steps over him in "dangerous shoes" and he begs to not be squashed.

The training and the drugs they gave her were all very detailed and fascinating. And the relationships in the book were disturbing and strange and you can't look away. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. You stare and feel dirty for staring but you just can't. Look. Away. Great book!

Now I'm reading Nightwatch. I've been wanting to read this book forever and I received it and the first sequel (Daywatch) from my friend and upstream swap partner in the Vampire Swap. So far, out of all the swapping I've done, that Vampire Swap has yet to disappoint. It's the best!

Nightwatch is one of the few books ever that I'm glad I watched the movie first. My friend Donna got Nightwatch and Daywatch on DVD and we watched them together. They are a bit confusing but VERY cool! The book is also a bit confusing but very cool! Between the movies and the book, I understand them both better and I'm flying through Nightwatch. I'll read Daywatch next then Dark Tower 5.

Giving the Best of My Love, Ruth!

X is for Xacto

I've always been interested in Art. I took several Art History classes in college and when I was in Europe, I spent a lot of time going to places with amazing art and/or architecture (which, to me, is just another form of art). I've always wanted to purchase art pieces that appeal to me but I've never had the kind of cash to make it happen.

Lately, I've been seeing some amazing art that has got to involve Xacto knives (or maybe Ginsu but that wouldn't fit in with today's letter).

I saw these two paper pieces on Epic Win FTW (the antithesis of the Fail Blog)...

There was no accredited artist that I could see but I'd love to know who did them and where I can see more!

This next man is the MASTER of the Ginsu, Thomas Allen...

This piece is called "Polecats" and is my favorite of his work. He takes old pulp fiction paperbacks, cuts them up and places them into extremely clever little... dioramas? vignettes?, then photographs them. I am in awe of his cutting skills.

I also like strange photography. This next artist is Erik Johansson. He's 23...

A lot of his work is very M.C. Escher (whom I also love); it fools the eye and can be a bit disturbing at times but it's all rather amazing!

I don't know what medium this next artist uses but here's my favorite from Ray Caesar

It's called "Decent" (which I first read as Descent) and like most of his work, there's a rather disturbing quality to the subject.

My favorite sculptural artist is Lisa Snellings. She often works rather closely with Neil Gaiman (of Coraline fame) and she has a whole series of little guys called Poppets. She also has a whole series of Poppets based on Gaiman's The Graveyard Book - love those! They are creepy and cute at the same time.

There's also this little sleepy rat that I adore and will someday buy...

I'm hoping none of these artists come after me for posting pic's. Not really sure how the whole copyright thing works here but I've given full credit for each one and a link to the artist's site (in case anyone wants to buy me something). I'd hate to have to take the pic's down.

I've been interested in making art as well. I've dabbled in watercolors because I like the way they flow into each other better then any other paint I've tried. Particularly watercolor and ink type shenanigans. I'm also interested in photography and took some classes but the classes seemed geared more toward developing film (back in the '80's when people still used film) and I was more interested in knowing how to take the shots I wanted, then manipulate them into what my mind's eye saw. (A lot like what Eric Johansson does with his photos. But different, not so Escher-esque.)

Do you guys have favorite artists?

Filing it under "Someday....", Ruth!

W is for WIP

My friend Donna came up with this great idea for knitting. She's started the WIP Cup! It's to coincide with the Word Cup of Soccer which, like the Yarn Harlot's Knitting Olympics, happens every four years.

Her husband is English and very much into soccer. She's not as into it and I'm not into it at all but she thought it would be a great motivation to finish some UFO's. We started a group on Ravelry and here are the rules.

The 2010 World Cup runs from 11 June - 11 July. That’s a whole month to clear out those WIPs.

Rules (Yes there will be rules):

We will be using the Ravelympics Wip rules, projects must be dormant (no work being done) for a month before the start of the World Cup (11 May)

A finalized list of Wips/Ufos that you will be working on must be decided on a week before the start date (June 4)

Tag your projects WIPCup2010

Post all of you finished works here

To be eligible for the prize (yay prizes!) you must complete your list of Wips by 11 July (will figure out what time zone later)

The prize will be a skein of Skeindalous yarn dyed in the winning teams’ colors, a $25 gift certificate to Scout Swag and a stitch saver. It will be determined by a random drawing.

In the spirit of knitting in general, this is all for fun! There will be no knitting police to stomp your feelings if you don't finish everything you've listed for the WIP Cup. Come join our Ravelry group and break out your WIP's! The group is small which surprises both of us as Soccer is so popular worldwide. Please help us spread the word! As knitters, we all have WIP's hanging about and this is a perfect opportunity to finish them. (Also, if for whatever reason you are not on Ravelry and you still want to play along, just email me (see email addy in my sidebar) and let me know what your list is and how you're doing!)

And there's prizes! Who doesn't love prizes?

If you have any fibery prizes you'd like to donate, we'll give them lots of press and appreciation!

Initially, when Donna brought up this WIP Cup idea, I was all, "Sweet! I can cast on a bunch of stuff now, then throw it in the closet for a month before it starts!" Then I remembered I have about 15 WIP's that need attending.

My WIP list is small but mighty...
The Bed Jacket of Doom - this thing's been finished and even sewn up for two years now! I just need to crank out the edging to call it done.
Icarus - This shawl has been on the needles for close to 3 years now. Must finish...
Odessa Hat - This hat has also been on the needles for about two years. I did the lower ribbing band and then just stopped for whatever reason. Ridiculous!
Chevron Scarf - I saw so many lovely Chevron Scarves and had two single, yet mismatched, skeins of Koigu that would go great together. I started the scarf, got about 1/3 of the way through and tossed it aside. Turns out I hate making Feather and Fan stuff. I like the way it looks! but I don't like making it. Gotta finish it as it's turning out really pretty.

Those four things won't even put a dent in the amount of WIP's and UFO's I have but The World Cup is only a month long and I'm not an especially fast knitter so it will have to do.

Before Donna brought this up, I figured I'd write W is for Workout, so guess what? Bonus W!

W is for Workout
When we moved to Highlands Ranch, I found out we'd have free access to all four of the town's huge Rec Centers. Each RC has an indoor and outdoor pool and rather large and well-equipped workout gyms. The closest to us is about a mile down the road and starting last October, I began working out.

I started on the recumbent bicycle and worked my way up to 30 minutes. One of the ways I motivated myself to go was by taking a paperback that I could only read while working out. Eventually I made my way to the elliptical machines. No reading there! At least not for me. I mostly just had to concentrate on not dying. I started out with 10 minutes and then I'd go into a corner and have a little lie-down. I'd pretend I was stretching but I was actually just getting my heart rate back down to a reasonable level!

Well, it's been 6 months and I'm up to 35 minutes on the elliptical, 5 or 6 days a week. Still don't read on it but I have a series of music that I listen to while I... ellipse? And in the last ten minutes, there's three songs I listen to that have 20-40 second sprints in them. I got up to 40 minutes for about two weeks but I really hit a wall with that.

See, initially, I lost ten pounds right away - yay! But I swear to you that I have not lost one single ounce since then. It's very disheartening! My shape has changed dramatically but even that stopped! When I went up to 40 minutes I was getting very discouraged. I whinged and whined for two weeks about how even my shape stopped changing then I looked in the mirror and was all, "Hm. It's changing again!" My dark pair of jeans really don't even fit anymore, they keep falling off! (Which is weird because they are the exact same size, style and maker as my other two pair.) So I keep going. Back down to 35 minutes but I keep going.

Here's a couple of strange gym stories...

A friend gave me a bunch of T-shirts that were to go to Goodwill. All my workout T's are over ten years old and are getting too ratty even for just gym-wear. So I got these new-to-me T's. I was wearing one in particular quite a lot. It's grey and has a big blue Transformer with Asian writing on the front and some Asian writing on the back as well. There's this tiny Asian woman I see at the gym nearly every day and she's a rock star on the elliptical! She sprints the whole time and is on it for about an hour - sheesh! She walked up to me by the weights and introduced herself and we started talking. She asked if I knew how to read Asian writing and did I know what my shirt said. I explained that it was given to me and I had no idea. She said, "Oh, I thought it had something to do with your job. I thought maybe your were an Animator or something." I said, "No, not an Animator" but what I thought was, "Wow. That's random!"

Then another day, I got in a conversation with this guy. He was walking past me (I was working my arms on some weight machine) and he has these incredible full-sleeve tattoos and here's the conversation we had...
Me: Wow, that's impressive! Where did you get it?
Him: Excuse me?!
Me: I've been looking for someone to give me one since we moved here three years ago!
His Friend: What is wrong with you??
Me (confused): No, it's fine! I've got six already and I'm just looking to get some more.
Him: I don't.... know what to say... to that.
Me: Sorry. I don't mean to offend, I'm just a big fan of really great tattoos.
Him: [starts laughing really hard] I thought your were talking about this...

Here's where he points to the HUGE, and obviously recent surgical scar on his shaved head that goes from the middle of his widow's peak, around the hairline and all the way down to his ear.

Fuck.

Why does this keep happening to me? I need to learn to be a bit more observant. sigh. At least now I've got the card of a really amazing tattoo artist!

Off to the gym, Ruth!

V is for Violence

Looking back, I got stuck around U last year as well! I'm not even stuck really, I have the last of the Alphabet Soup planned out I just haven't had time to sit and finish it. Also, I've got other things I want to write about but I'm sort of stuck until I finish. Silly, right? OK, here's your V...

Sometime last year, Dave pointed out to me that all of my knitting T-shirts are violent. I have one that says, "I KNIT so that I don't kill people",

I have this one...


and this one, which is my favorite....


I bought the angry yarn ball one off cafepress.com and it was a bit of a disappointment. I bought the large size because, in the picture, it was a fitted women's shirt. What showed up in the mail was a large, unfitted man-size shirt. It's also the most I ever paid for a T-shirt but I didn't feel like going through the hassle of trying to return it by mail and all.

The Knit-so-I-don't-kill-people one was a gift from a friend and my favorite one (knit and destroy), I bought off Etsy. It was clearanced to $7, there were two left and I bought both. One is lovingly nesting in my sock yarn bin awaiting the day that I wear the other one to death. I plan ahead.

Since D made this brilliant observation, I bought a souvenir T-shirt at the Sock Summit so now not all my knitting T's are violent.

I guess I have always had a violent streak in me. Comes from growing up with my brother who would constantly beat the crap out of me. I don't mean your typical brother-sister scrappin', he used to Beat. Me. I mean, like he'd have me on the ground, kicking me in the side. But let anyone else try to hurt me or talk shit about me and he'd clobber them! He also taught me to never say Uncle. If we were wrestling and he had me pinned, practically breaking my arm, if I said Uncle, he'd beat me for giving up. I don't give up.

I'm one of those people who doesn't know how to touch other people so I usually end up punching them in the arm if I like them. It's all very 6-year-old-on-the-playground, I know.

One of my best friends from jr. high and high school is the same way. She was (still is) a complete badass and even the guys were scared of her. She punched me one time for smartin' off at her and I punched her right back. It seemed to've shocked her pretty well at the time - I think I was the first person who ever dared hit her back - and we were best of friends from then on.

John (my best friend from Massage School) once told me that I hit harder then any girl he's ever known.... which earned him a punch for calling me a girl.

I still do it. It's really stupid. Just the other day, another mom in my 1st grader's class was telling me she finally figured out who I reminded her of. She said I looked like Jillian Michaels. I asked who that was and she said she's the female trainer on The Biggest Loser. I gave the woman a nice light shove and said, "Shut up!" She said with my hair and my eyes, I looked like I could be her sister or something. I should've just said Thank You, but I've never been good at taking compliments and clearly she's insane.

They haven't all been friendly punches either, I used to get into fights in high school. Lots of fights. Mostly with cheerleaders. My friends and I were sort of somewhere between Mod and Punk and the cheerleaders would make fun of us, then the next week be wearing the same damn thing. I hated them. Back in the '80's, whoever threw the first punch would get suspended (I hear nowadays anyone fighting goes home - seems unfair!), so I would just provoke them into throwing the first punch then I'd beat the snot out of them. Cheerleaders at my school didn't know how to fight. My brother taught me how to fight.

I remember someone told one girl that if she ripped the other girl's shirt off, she'd be too busy trying to cover up to defend herself. She ripped my shirt off and I remember rather matter-of-factly telling her, "Awww hell. That was my favorite shirt." and I beat her up pretty good. I had a bra on and wasn't interested in covering up.

I outgrew picking fights but it still served me well later on when it was necessary. Did I ever tell y'all the time I hit a girl who was, like 7 or 8 months pregnant? Don't be mad, she shouldna been runnin' up on people from behind and acting stupid. I was in college, at a party, talking to a guy I'd only just started dating when all of a sudden I hear this girl screaming something about "Leave my man alone, whore" and she yanked me by my hair! She almost yanked me to the ground but the guy in question caught my arm before I fell and in about 2 seconds, I'd yanked my arm away from him and turned around swingin'. I clocked her right in the face and she fell down, hard. Then I saw she was pregnant and I felt really bad! Her friends were all pissed at me for hitting a pregnant girl but I told them she shoudn't attack people from behind if she wasn't prepared to be hit!

Turns out she was a crazy person. She tried to say the guy in question was the father but she was already 3 months pregnant when he came to Fresno to go to school!

There's a couple of times my fighting skills have come in handy.

I remember taking a cab ride in Germany that went awry. Very few of us in Germany had cars. As soldiers, it cost a lot to bring your car overseas and it cost almost as much to buy a crappy car and get insurance while there, so we usually just cabbed everywhere. When I was stationed in Schweinfurt, there were two bases about a 5 minute cab ride apart. The other base had a club on it that we'd go dancing and drinking at and after it closed, I'd cab home. I never felt comfortable riding in the back of the cab, like the cabbie was a chauffeur or something, so I usually hopped in the front. (Those of you who live in NYC or some other cab-heavy place will probably find that odd.)

One night, I hopped in front as usual and about halfway to my base the old, smelly, German cab-driver put his hand on my leg. I pushed his hand away and said, "What the fuck?" He put his hand on my leg again, more forcefully and started sliding it up. I grabbed his thumb and twisted his hand quite painfully. I held it the rest of the ride home and when he pulled up to the gate, I called the MP gate guard over and said, "Hey, you see this cab-driver?" He said, yea. I looked at the cab-driver and said, "He knows who you are and this ride's free, right?", twisting his hand harder. He nodded mutely and I got out. Never rode up front again.

Two months later, that cabbie was arrested for a string of rapes against female soldiers. Scary shit!

I also had an incident with a Lieutenant. My buddy Tony was leaving the country for good. He was a friend of mine on the rugby team I hung out with and I always had a crush on him. I never went for it because he was on the rugby team and I didn't date any of them. I hung out with them way too much and I was like one of the guys and I didn't want that dynamic to change. Also, Tony was engaged.

So he was leaving and we threw a big party for him. After it was over, the only people left in Tony's room were me and his Lt. buddy, Rick (I'd never seen Rick before, he was some former classmate of Tony's even though Tony was a Captain and Rick only a Lt.). I don't know how and I'm quite sure it was the fact that we were super drunk but Tony and I started wrestling. He was getting the upper hand and I said, "Tony, knock it off, I'm wearing a dress for christ's sake!" I had on a short dress and these crazy dark green tights with sunflowers on them so it wasn't like I was being exposed but still. And Tony wasn't trying to get aggressive, it was kind of like the wrestling my brother and I used to play at. I don't know how to explain this without it sounding weird but it wasn't. It wasn't sexual or anything, it was just two drunk friends acting stupid. Anyway, we stopped and I stood up and said I should be getting back to my room.

Tony walked me to the door and I reached up and took his face and said, "You're fiance is a very lucky girl. I hope she knows that." He smiled and kissed the top of my head. His Lt. friend, who was surprisingly silent during the whole wrestling thing and I thought he'd passed out, jumped up and said he'd walk me home. I told him that he really didn't need to but he insisted. So he walks me past the 4 buildings between Tony's barracks and mine. When we get to my building, I was like, "Yep, this is my building, so, uh... thanks, bye." He said, "Wait a minute!" and proceeded to tell me that Tony wasn't available for sex but he was. I looked at him rather incredulously and said, "I'm not looking to get laid, but... thanks?" Then he grabbed my arm really hard with one hand and my breast with the other and said, "Are you sure?" So I felt between his legs and when I found his sack I squeezed and twisted it as hard as I could and said, "Yea. I'm sure."

He let go of my breast and hit me in the side of my face and I just squoze harder until he was on his knees and couldn't breathe. Then I said, "Hey, thanks for walking me home!" and walked into the building. (Although, once inside, I sprinted up to my room so he wouldn't know which one was mine!)

So yeah, it pays to know how to defend yourself. Just sayin.

And if we ever meet and I give you a good solid punch in the shoulder? It just means I dig you!

Virtually punching, Ruth!

Speaking of violent, I'm sure y'all have already seen this. I don't know whether to be impressed or horrified by it! I must be more impressed then horrifed because it makes me laugh!

U is for Unlikely

I've recently finished a sock pattern that I've had floating around in my head for quite some time. I even dyed the yarn specifically for it.


I'm entering it in a sock design contest and it's unlikely it will win but I'm ever hopeful! There were 2 design contests going on that I was going to enter it into but I missed the deadline for the first one by a couple days. It was unlikely I was going to finish it in time for the first contest since I started the actual knitting about a week before it was due. I don't knit that fast!


I still need to figure out how to make the pattern into a pdf and how to publish it so y'all can buy it online and such. Once that's done, I'll let y'all know. It will definitely be done by April 19th which is the deadline for the contest I'm putting it into.


I'm pretty proud of this design! I think it's kinda cool. Not as obvious a picture as I'd envisioned but that's the way it goes with skinny sock yarn, I guess.

Here's a memory that will seem random but actually has a point...
When I was in Germany, I was in that BMG CD of the month club thing. It was cool because if you bought the CD of the month, you'd get to pick another two or three for free, which meant they all cost about $5 or less each. I always took the monthly selection and if I didn't like it I'd sell it or give it away.


I bought a Prince CD once and when it arrived in the mail, it looked like the Prince CD. It had the Prince jewel case and Prince papers and the CD itself was printed with the Prince artwork. When you played the CD, it was Alison Krauss! Weird. I called the company and they replaced it no problem.

So it happened again just today! Before I left Tucson, one of my favorite massage clients and I were having a conversation about music we loved but never told anyone about because it was unlikely people would believe us. She was in her late 50's and she loved hardcore heavy metal. No shit! She was all into Pantera and Anthrax and the like! On the surface, she was this very strait-laced business woman but she loved the thrash metal. What's stranger is that she only discovered this type of music within the past couple of years.

I told her my guilty secret was John Denver. And Disco. I love Disco. I know, it's lame and I generally keep it to myself but now you all know it, too.

Right before I moved to CO, she gave me a gift of a double CD of John Denver's Best Hits! So sweet! I always played the first CD and never really got around to the second. Today I was downloading it to my iPod and whaddya know, the second CD, although printed as CD 2 of JD's Best Hits... it's actually Elvis Presley's greatest hits! So weird!

All right, Friends, you're turn for True Confessions. What music is your unlikely guilty pleasure?


Rocky Mountain High, Ruth!

P.S. If anyone's notice lately, I've been deleting some comments. It's only because they have links to Asian pron. If anyone knows how I can block these things, please email me! My email's in the sidebar under my pic. Thanks!

T is for Twisted

A couple weeks ago, we took Dave's parents out to dinner for his mom's birthday. The restaurant we went to had this really great crusty bread and it reminded me of a recent conversation....


My friend, Phil and I were talking about food and I mentioned that I had recently had my first ever BLT and it was a revelation! See, before I met Dave and his family, I hated bacon. Seriously, didn't like the stuff At. ALL. I used to say, "Bacon and coffee - how can stuff smell so good and taste so bad!" But Dave's mom puts bacon in everything and I've grown to rather like it. (Still hate coffee.) So the BLT was amazing and I was telling Phil how I was completely obsessed with them now and he described the perfect BLT... Bread that's big, thick and a little bit rough, thick pepper crusted bacon, beefsteak tomato. Oh. Hell. YEAH!


So, dinner with Dave's parents. They are 80 and 81 and don't hear very well so I leaned over to Dave and, pointing toward that lovely bread at our table, joked, "I like my men like I like my bread - Big, Thick, and a little bit Rough." He immediately quipped back, "I like my women like I like my coffee - Ground up and stored in the freezer." I cracked up!


Later, after we'd dropped off his parents and were driving home, we made up more stupid shit like that. The coffee one is an old one but we came up with new ones. The kids were sitting way in the back of the minivan and were talking amongst themselves, so they couldn't hear us. It was just as well since we degenerated into grosser and stupider ones as we went along.


I'll spare you the baser ones but here's two that I came up with...


I like my men like I like my trucks - jacked up and ready to ride.


I like my men like I like my luau pigs - trussed up and roasting on a spit.


The pig one was the stupidest one of all but these dumb-ass word games that Dave and I get into get a bit competitive and that was the only thing I could think of! I'd love to hear what y'all can come up with so next time I will be better prepared.


We. Are. LAME, Ruth!

S is for Suck

Last year was so much fun that we went to see Christopher Moore again this year! Last year, I dragged Donna with me. This year it was two other knitting buds, Tina and Loise. Tina's husband met us about an hour before they started handing out the numbers (for the booksigning). I was #1 this year!

Tina's husband also brought us some amazingly delicious Cuban sandwiches from a place called Samba. Sooooo tasty!

Christopher came to Denver's LoDo Tattered Cover again to pimp his latest book Bite Me. Last year he was pimping Fool. Apparently, his new publicist has him on this really brutal book tour. He didn't have much time after the talk to hang out. He flew into Denver Sunday morning, did his talk at 2p, and had to catch a flight a few hours later to go to Chicago. Crazy!

He starts his talks with this...

It's like having sex: someone introduces me, I spend the next half hour apologizing, everyone lines up and I thank you for coming [pauses and smiles mischievously], and you all leave thinking I smell vaguely of Sharpie Marker.

He makes me laugh so hard, it's difficult to breathe at times! He's a stand-up comic disguised as an author. After speaking for 15 minutes (he doesn't actually read from his books at his readings), he looked at Loise and I in the front row and said, "Could you please put that away!" He was talking about our knitting! I was wondering if it was bothering him because he kept looking out at the 200+ people in the audience then looking at us, looking out, looking at us. I think our knitting was distracting him.

He made some jokes about the knitting and went on with his talk. We didn't mind and laughed along with everyone else. After we accidentally became part of the floor show, a cell phone started ringing. Everyone, including Christopher Moore, was looking around to see who it might be. Some people were making that ooh, you're busted sound. Then Christopher pulls a ringing phone out of his own pocket! He's looking at it dumbfounded and you could tell he was debating whether or not to answer. Then people in the audience started saying, "Answer it!" and he did. He simply said, "On stage! I'll call you later!"


He said, "I live with the Bitch, I gotta answer! The only person in the whole world who knows my schedule today.... well, besides you people, and she calls me! There will be revenge!" Even when he's irritated, he's funny!


Oooh and I scored a free T-shirt! It's black and on the front it just has the title of his latest book - Bite Me. On the back it has the title of his second book and a reminder to buy it - it says...

(Don't forget - You Suck). The back also has his website - ChrisMoore.com. Can't wait to wear it to the gym on Monday - hah!

Looking forward to next time, Ruth!

P.S. Forgot to post this earlier this week, but it worked out because what better subject for April Fool's Day then the man who wrote Fool! Also, the boys and I already have the kitchen sink sprayer set up for when Dave comes home. Mwahahahaha!