Friday, April 30, 2010

V is for Violence

Looking back, I got stuck around U last year as well! I'm not even stuck really, I have the last of the Alphabet Soup planned out I just haven't had time to sit and finish it. Also, I've got other things I want to write about but I'm sort of stuck until I finish. Silly, right? OK, here's your V...

Sometime last year, Dave pointed out to me that all of my knitting T-shirts are violent. I have one that says, "I KNIT so that I don't kill people",

I have this one...

and this one, which is my favorite....

I bought the angry yarn ball one off and it was a bit of a disappointment. I bought the large size because, in the picture, it was a fitted women's shirt. What showed up in the mail was a large, unfitted man-size shirt. It's also the most I ever paid for a T-shirt but I didn't feel like going through the hassle of trying to return it by mail and all.

The Knit-so-I-don't-kill-people one was a gift from a friend and my favorite one (knit and destroy), I bought off Etsy. It was clearanced to $7, there were two left and I bought both. One is lovingly nesting in my sock yarn bin awaiting the day that I wear the other one to death. I plan ahead.

Since D made this brilliant observation, I bought a souvenir T-shirt at the Sock Summit so now not all my knitting T's are violent.

I guess I have always had a violent streak in me. Comes from growing up with my brother who would constantly beat the crap out of me. I don't mean your typical brother-sister scrappin', he used to Beat. Me. I mean, like he'd have me on the ground, kicking me in the side. But let anyone else try to hurt me or talk shit about me and he'd clobber them! He also taught me to never say Uncle. If we were wrestling and he had me pinned, practically breaking my arm, if I said Uncle, he'd beat me for giving up. I don't give up.

I'm one of those people who doesn't know how to touch other people so I usually end up punching them in the arm if I like them. It's all very 6-year-old-on-the-playground, I know.

One of my best friends from jr. high and high school is the same way. She was (still is) a complete badass and even the guys were scared of her. She punched me one time for smartin' off at her and I punched her right back. It seemed to've shocked her pretty well at the time - I think I was the first person who ever dared hit her back - and we were best of friends from then on.

John (my best friend from Massage School) once told me that I hit harder then any girl he's ever known.... which earned him a punch for calling me a girl.

I still do it. It's really stupid. Just the other day, another mom in my 1st grader's class was telling me she finally figured out who I reminded her of. She said I looked like Jillian Michaels. I asked who that was and she said she's the female trainer on The Biggest Loser. I gave the woman a nice light shove and said, "Shut up!" She said with my hair and my eyes, I looked like I could be her sister or something. I should've just said Thank You, but I've never been good at taking compliments and clearly she's insane.

They haven't all been friendly punches either, I used to get into fights in high school. Lots of fights. Mostly with cheerleaders. My friends and I were sort of somewhere between Mod and Punk and the cheerleaders would make fun of us, then the next week be wearing the same damn thing. I hated them. Back in the '80's, whoever threw the first punch would get suspended (I hear nowadays anyone fighting goes home - seems unfair!), so I would just provoke them into throwing the first punch then I'd beat the snot out of them. Cheerleaders at my school didn't know how to fight. My brother taught me how to fight.

I remember someone told one girl that if she ripped the other girl's shirt off, she'd be too busy trying to cover up to defend herself. She ripped my shirt off and I remember rather matter-of-factly telling her, "Awww hell. That was my favorite shirt." and I beat her up pretty good. I had a bra on and wasn't interested in covering up.

I outgrew picking fights but it still served me well later on when it was necessary. Did I ever tell y'all the time I hit a girl who was, like 7 or 8 months pregnant? Don't be mad, she shouldna been runnin' up on people from behind and acting stupid. I was in college, at a party, talking to a guy I'd only just started dating when all of a sudden I hear this girl screaming something about "Leave my man alone, whore" and she yanked me by my hair! She almost yanked me to the ground but the guy in question caught my arm before I fell and in about 2 seconds, I'd yanked my arm away from him and turned around swingin'. I clocked her right in the face and she fell down, hard. Then I saw she was pregnant and I felt really bad! Her friends were all pissed at me for hitting a pregnant girl but I told them she shoudn't attack people from behind if she wasn't prepared to be hit!

Turns out she was a crazy person. She tried to say the guy in question was the father but she was already 3 months pregnant when he came to Fresno to go to school!

There's a couple of times my fighting skills have come in handy.

I remember taking a cab ride in Germany that went awry. Very few of us in Germany had cars. As soldiers, it cost a lot to bring your car overseas and it cost almost as much to buy a crappy car and get insurance while there, so we usually just cabbed everywhere. When I was stationed in Schweinfurt, there were two bases about a 5 minute cab ride apart. The other base had a club on it that we'd go dancing and drinking at and after it closed, I'd cab home. I never felt comfortable riding in the back of the cab, like the cabbie was a chauffeur or something, so I usually hopped in the front. (Those of you who live in NYC or some other cab-heavy place will probably find that odd.)

One night, I hopped in front as usual and about halfway to my base the old, smelly, German cab-driver put his hand on my leg. I pushed his hand away and said, "What the fuck?" He put his hand on my leg again, more forcefully and started sliding it up. I grabbed his thumb and twisted his hand quite painfully. I held it the rest of the ride home and when he pulled up to the gate, I called the MP gate guard over and said, "Hey, you see this cab-driver?" He said, yea. I looked at the cab-driver and said, "He knows who you are and this ride's free, right?", twisting his hand harder. He nodded mutely and I got out. Never rode up front again.

Two months later, that cabbie was arrested for a string of rapes against female soldiers. Scary shit!

I also had an incident with a Lieutenant. My buddy Tony was leaving the country for good. He was a friend of mine on the rugby team I hung out with and I always had a crush on him. I never went for it because he was on the rugby team and I didn't date any of them. I hung out with them way too much and I was like one of the guys and I didn't want that dynamic to change. Also, Tony was engaged.

So he was leaving and we threw a big party for him. After it was over, the only people left in Tony's room were me and his Lt. buddy, Rick (I'd never seen Rick before, he was some former classmate of Tony's even though Tony was a Captain and Rick only a Lt.). I don't know how and I'm quite sure it was the fact that we were super drunk but Tony and I started wrestling. He was getting the upper hand and I said, "Tony, knock it off, I'm wearing a dress for christ's sake!" I had on a short dress and these crazy dark green tights with sunflowers on them so it wasn't like I was being exposed but still. And Tony wasn't trying to get aggressive, it was kind of like the wrestling my brother and I used to play at. I don't know how to explain this without it sounding weird but it wasn't. It wasn't sexual or anything, it was just two drunk friends acting stupid. Anyway, we stopped and I stood up and said I should be getting back to my room.

Tony walked me to the door and I reached up and took his face and said, "You're fiance is a very lucky girl. I hope she knows that." He smiled and kissed the top of my head. His Lt. friend, who was surprisingly silent during the whole wrestling thing and I thought he'd passed out, jumped up and said he'd walk me home. I told him that he really didn't need to but he insisted. So he walks me past the 4 buildings between Tony's barracks and mine. When we get to my building, I was like, "Yep, this is my building, so, uh... thanks, bye." He said, "Wait a minute!" and proceeded to tell me that Tony wasn't available for sex but he was. I looked at him rather incredulously and said, "I'm not looking to get laid, but... thanks?" Then he grabbed my arm really hard with one hand and my breast with the other and said, "Are you sure?" So I felt between his legs and when I found his sack I squeezed and twisted it as hard as I could and said, "Yea. I'm sure."

He let go of my breast and hit me in the side of my face and I just squoze harder until he was on his knees and couldn't breathe. Then I said, "Hey, thanks for walking me home!" and walked into the building. (Although, once inside, I sprinted up to my room so he wouldn't know which one was mine!)

So yeah, it pays to know how to defend yourself. Just sayin.

And if we ever meet and I give you a good solid punch in the shoulder? It just means I dig you!

Virtually punching, Ruth!

Speaking of violent, I'm sure y'all have already seen this. I don't know whether to be impressed or horrified by it! I must be more impressed then horrifed because it makes me laugh!


Marissa said...

I want my daughter to learn to throw a punch- a REAL punch-for those very circumstances. We've had trouble with a neighbor who is a year older than her since she was (gasp) 5! She's taken him down once, but when he hits puberty, I think she needs better skills. Here's to girls taking charge!!

k said...

Dang, I like you! But don't punch me too hard please.