Monday, October 1, 2007

What'd You Call Me?!

How to Get a Massage - Part 4

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]


I conclude my series of How to Get a Massage (or You Would Think It Was Obvious) with the concept of treating the massage therapist with respect.

Because I'll tell you what, it's all fun and games until you call me a whore. The obvious ones are easier to handle then the subtle freaks. These people skate on the edge of being inappropriate and they know how to do it really well. They say and/or do things where you can't really call them on it because if you're wrong, you could get in a lot of trouble.

I had a guy who was rolling his hips the entire massage. When he was face down, it was weird. When he was face up, I called him on it. "ANDRE! [his eyes flew open] Are you OK? Because you keep... fidgeting. Do you need me to, I don't know... adjust the bolster, adjust the blanket... leave the room? [Or go get your wife who's in the next room? I said to myself.]" He stopped.

I had a guy who was a complete talker. Blah, blah, blah. Here on vacation with his wife. She used to be wild but now she's always jealous of everything and no fun. I changed the subject and talked about movies I'd seen recently. He brought up TV and eventually brought up the show Six Feet Under and was edging toward the "happy ending" part. I stopped him before he got there and said how that's not massage but prostitution. He agreed and the conversation moved on. At the end of the massage he said, "I know it's not going to happen here, but that really would be the best way to end a massage." I said, "You're right. It's not going to happen." This client was the brother-in-law of our very sweet tennis pro. I hated to tell him his sister was married to a freak. I told him anyway.

I already told my horror stories here. Those were the really obvious ones. My friends had freaks, too. Like the guy Vanessa got who took an inordinate amount of time getting off the table after his massage. Getting off being the operative words here. We only had 10 minutes between clients to change the sheets and get the room ready for the next guest. I went in with Vanessa to help her because the ten minutes were up. There was a wadded up towel on the table. We looked at each other and I asked her, "Did you use a towel during the massage?" She said no and lifted a corner of the towel. The freak had left.... a DNA sample. We both shrieked, "EWWWWWWW! EW! EW! EW!"
She said, "Ruth, you have to move it. I just can't!"
Me: Why me??
V: Well.... you have 3 guys at home!
Me: OK, but 2 of them are 3 and 1 years old. They aren't doing that yet! Besides, you have an adult guy at home, too!
V: Please, Ruth. I just can't. I'm going to be sick.
Me: sigh. OK.

I used the sheets under the towel to thoroughly wrap the nasty thing so nobody (especially me) would have to actually touch it.

Then there's Christie (not her real name). She's a bit of a mouse. She was working on this guy and he was doing the weird squirmy thing - whenever she'd drape his leg, he'd move it so it would undrape. Finally, when he was face up and she was on one side of the table, working on a leg, and the door was on the other side of the table....
This yay-hoo actually points to the offending area (his crotch) and says, "So. Are you going to put some oil on the little guy?". Christie yanks the sheet over his leg and huffs, "This massage is over", as she's trying to work her way around the table to get to the door. The idiot continues, "No, no! Don't be mad! I go to those Korean places all the time! It's just part of it!"

My friend Grace and I were in between massages when Christie comes storming out of her room, almost in tears. She told us what the guy said, so we went in there to give him a little education. He was just getting off the table when we came in and he quickly laid back down and covered himself with the sheets. Here's what we told him...

Look, obviously you don't know, so we're going to have to tell you. For one, does this look like one of those "Korean places"?? Did you pay $20? And whenever you are asking for genital manipulation for money, you are soliciting prostitution. You just called our friend a whore. [He tries to butt in here. We don't let him.] No, no, you've said enough. You no longer get to talk. As for those Korean places - 99% of those women are brought here illegally with the promise of a better life. Once they are here, they are told they owe thousands more then the thousands they've already paid and are forced into slave labor. And who can they tell? If they go to the police, they'll be deported and once they get back home, they'll be shunned for having been forced to sell themselves. Anytime you go to those places, anytime you have "oil put on your little guy", you are committing sexual assault. That goes for pretty much any prostitute, because I can guarantee no little girl dreams of becoming one when she grows up.

After we'd thoroughly schooled this idiot, we let him go. Sort of. We called security and told them what he'd said. They didn't do anything with him but all his other spa treatments were promptly cancelled.

So. The definition of bad -
Genital manipulation for money is prostitution. If a person wants that, it's easy to find. If a person does that - fine, that's their choice (I actually think prostitution should be legalized and regulated) but call it what it is and quit giving legitimate massage therapists a bad name.

If a person needs to drop hints - verbal or physical - they need to go elsewhere.

In closing, it's easy to remember how to get a good massage -

Be on Time
Be Clean
Be Present

Thank you for joining us on our journey through the freaks and geeks of Massage World,

1 comment:

WandaWoman said...

People are really crazy. I can't imagine actually being asked for the "happy ending", seriously.