C is for Conversation

The boys were in the back seat, having a conversation about scary things. D2, as usual, was talking about zombies (he likes them as much as I do!)

T: Can they be seen during the day?

D2: Of course they can.

T: No, they can't. They can only come out at night.

D2: No, you idiot, that's vampires.

Me (in the front seat, trying not to laugh too hard): D2, don't call your brother an idiot.

Overheard this conversation between a large teenage boy (17?) and his dad. I was leaving the library and they were walking in....
Dad: You don't know. I'm OUT there, I know.
Teenager [said with disdain]: You work for the government. That's not "out there". That's a whole 'nother world.


Made me crack up!

When we were in Nebraska last year for that game we went to, we spent our last morning in a wonderful diner next to the motel we stayed at. Next to our booth, was a table full of women. It was middle-aged mom, grandma, and 2 young women. They also had a little boy with them. He looked to be about 5 years old but they had him crammed in a restaurant high chair as he clearly had some development issues. He was being a very good kid. He wasn't being loud or throwing food or anything like that. He was quietly talking to/amusing himself while he ate his pancakes.

We heard the girls encouraging mom to finish the boy's pancakes:

Girls: He's done, go ahead and finish them!

Mom: Y'all are going to make me as fat as that woman we saw at Walmart.

Now, mom is no shrinking violet in the weight department herself! In fact, the only one at that table who wouldn't be considered clinically obese would be the boy in question. I looked at Dave with a questioning look. He whispered to me, "In Nebraska, 'fat' is a relative term". (Not that Dave and I are in any great shape ourselves, right?)

A couple minutes later, we see the boy looking up and down and saying, "I don't see him, Grandma? Where is he?" She ignores him for a bit and so he keeps asking her. Finally, this conversation takes place...

Boy: Grandma, you said God was up, but I don't SEE him.

Grandma: You don't see him because you aren't being a good boy.

I looked at Dave, momentarily aghast, but then perfectly calm, ".....and so it begins....."

When I told my friend this tale, she said, "That poor kid. So, if he remembers the conversation, and takes it to heart, then for his entire LIFE, he'll never be a good boy, because he will never SEE God." I never even thought of that!! I wonder how "good" grandma is since you KNOW that old bat doesn't "see" him either.

A couple of months ago, Dave and I were watching American Dad. It's this episode where the main character (Stan) is organizing a wedding. The engaged couple are negotiating some marital terms when the woman says, "And we have to visit my parents once a week." Dave made a small sound - half shock, half disgust. My head whipped around to look at him.

Me: Oh, ha-ha.

Him: What?

Me: What was that sound for??

Him: I'm sure he's going to do that. ["he" being the groom]

Me (eyebrows shooting to the ceiling, mouth dropping open; mouth closing, eye's narrowing; then speaking verrryyy slooowly, so my head doesn't explode): Are you trying to be funny?

Him: What?

Me: Bitch, I've been doing that for TWELVE YEARS.

He really had no earthly clue what he was saying! He was so horrified about that "poor man" having to go to his in-laws every week, yet he didn't realize that that's what I've been doing pretty much since we met! WTF??

Men are so clueless, Ruth!