Thursday, October 6, 2011

X is for Xbox

I've been working on the Xbox program for 14 months now. (I work from home for a company called alpineaccess.com - they hire customer service rep's from across the nation - all working from home - for Fortune 500 companies... QWest, AARP, AAA, they just got Cigna, etc. Xbox is the biggest program they have).

Out of 1300 people, I'm ranked 138! I get pretty good scores on my QA's fairly consistently. I'm just SO glad none of the customers can see my rollin' eyes or my active middle fingers flipping off so many of them. And just to be clear, I'm not doing that for 8 hours. Most of the people I talk to are cool and it's a lot of fun! There's only about 10% that make me feel all stabby.

I've already informed my incredibly cool Team Leader (TL) that he really ought not to listen to my calls whenever I have my last day as I WILL be saying everything I've only been thinking all this time. That last day is about a year and a half in the future but I'm planning ahead. He laughs and says he'll make me take that day off. I remind him that means that the day before that will still be my last day - hah!

I'm collecting stories but I won't post any until I graduate and have another job. I'm smart like that. Oh my god the stories!

I will say this....

When I say, "May I have your name?" and you just give me your first name, I'm going to shake my head sadly, while fearing for our future and say, "Aaaaaaaaaand your last name.......?" because, seriously, do I sound psychic?

The fact that you don't pay your bill/control your children/have no idea how to work that $300 piece of machinery you purchased is not my fault. I will do my best to be patient and help you but I will not (and by our policies and MS's, don't actually have to) put up with you yelling at me. It's a video game people.... calm the fuck down.

If you start cussing me out, I will burst into laughter as I feel with all the breadth and depth of the human language, it's fucking hilarious that we ALL reduce to a select few when angry. And yes, I'm probably laughing at you but don't mean to - it just jumps out.

If you drop F-bombs or any other word grenades as part of your normal speech, I am not going to take it personally or get offended. As long as it's not directed at me, it doesn't bother me as I often cuss as part of my normal speech as well. Not all of my co-workers feel the same way. They don't have to put up with it and can absolutely end the call if they feel the need.

Likewise, you don't have to keep telling me that you are upset and for me to not take it personally. I don't. It's a machine that plays pretend games. Why would I ever take anything involving that personally?

And for the love of pickles, please STOP apologizing for "bothering" me. My sole purpose for talking to you on the phone at that moment is to help you with whatever xbox issues you may have. If y'all didn't call with questions, I wouldn't have a job.

I am still a freak magnet. I have the team record for the most prank calls in a single shift. 12 in one 8 hour period. These people will wait on hold for.... up to 45 minutes on busy nights JUST to prank! So weak. And the calls are ALWAYS the same 3 or 4 "jokes".

If you prank call me, I'm going to sigh obviously and heavily and mutter sadly and out-loud-but-as-if-to-myself, "There's just NO imagination anymore" before I proceed to make you feel REALLY silly for prank calling. I will not get in trouble for this. We have a script to follow and I rarely follow it but I'm diplomatic and at the end of the script, we are allowed to hang up on you and I will do just that.

Most pranks are kids. I can tell because they start giggling. I always end those quickly by saying, "Awwww. Don't start laughing! If you start laughing, it's going to mess up the whole joke!" Then they can't help themselves and giggle uncontrollably before they just hang up.

A surprising amount of pranks are, in fact, adults. And always male. If there's any guys who read my blog, I feel sorry about this but it's true. I've never had a female prank caller. Shocker.

I'm going to tell one story. I hope it doesn't get me in trouble but here it is....
I had this prank call with 2 adult males on the phone - both talking at the same time on separate extentions/handsets/whatever. They said whatever stupid, silly shit they were going to say and I said in a bright, cheery voice, "All right guys, this has been fun but I'm going to have to let you go now...." and one of them said to me, "You're a stupid cunt."

I burst out laughing and said, "That may be, sir, but you're a grown man making a prank call, 3 o'clock on a Monday afternoon with his friend. I still win."

He hung up on me! Can you believe it?!

Maybe not winning, but still slightly ahead, Ruth!

3 comments:

kmkat said...

You won. Clearly, no doubt about it, you won.

ellipsisknits said...

On the name thing, one of the support lines I have to call a lot asks for your name just so they can call you by it every 15 seconds. They actually look everything up by the account number. Did some study tell them hearing your name repeated 50 times a phone call makes you think you're getting better service? Because, honestly, I don't care if you know my name as long as you fix whatever's broken.

But that might be why people are only giving you partial names. Though, given the clientele, maybe not.

Yarnhog said...

Oh yeah. Ruth: 1. Idiot male: 0.